Let the Pain Begin

My girlfriend and I bought some bicycles today. We got them from Target, which is awesome because they were only like 80 bucks each. The bikes are nice too, the only problem is the seats. I don't know what they are made out of, but it feels like you are sitting on this ass splitting metal spike. And on a ten mile bike ride it can start to hurt... bad. Currently, as I type this, my ass is very sore. Sitting hurts. We are going to have to buy a couple of replacement seats if we are going to ride some more. The last time I rode a bike it was like five or six years ago. I don't remember it hurting my ass so bad. Perhaps all these years of sitting in an office chair has made my cheeks weak. Or maybe the designer of bicycle seats is a complete idiot. I need some ointment.

The King

So tonight, I'm watching tv when I see one of those Burger King ads. You know, the ones that have the "Burger King" in them with that plastic face. Well, those ads are creeping me out! There's one where the guy wakes up out of bed and glances out his window. Standing in the middle of his lawn is the Burger King. He's just standing there staring into the window. The guy who just woke up looks puzzled. If that was me, I would be pissing in my pants! Some grinning plastic face king is standing in the middle of my lawn with a burger! A burger! And he's just staring at me with that blank plastic stare. Someone needs to make a horror film with that Burger King dude. That would scare me shitless. I managed to find one of the Burger King commercials at their website, click the one called "I-Beam" (I warn you though, it's creepy): Fear BK!

Sticky fun for Everyone!

We all remember the Super Soaker. It was the greatest squirt gun advancement of all time. Over the years it has been upgraded, and upgraded, and upgraded. Now though a new upgrade has come along. Apparently water was just not enough. The (say this in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice) Super Soaker Oozinator Blaster from Hasbro not only shoots water like the original Super Soaker, but it now also shoots jizm. Yes, you heard me right. It shoots... well, rather it ejaculates it's sperm onto unexpecting targets. Most likely these targets are kids. Don't believe me? Here, watch the video: Oozinator Video There, see (also notice how the first kid being hit seems to be enjoying it). Wow. When Hasbro designed this gun they had to realize that the "ooze" looked like something else. Even the "pump action" seems oddly familiar. I can just see the slogan: "Hey kids! First jerk off then blow your load on your friends! Sticky fun for everyone!" First the Wii and now this. Again, I hope this comes with tissues.

Wii

So we finally get to find out what the actual name of Nintendo's next system will be and in my opinion (and it seems like most of the internet) it is pretty stupid. Introducing the Wii. Now, when I first found out about the Wii, I pronounced it "why". I, however, was wrong. It is pronounced "wee". Like wee I am trying to have fun, but can't get past why they named the game system Wii. Perhaps that is why they named it that, because when you say it you automatically sound like you are having fun. Maybe it's a sales gimmick so when people hear other people playing the Wii and saying Wii constantly (most likely with laughter) they will assume that it is fun and will go out and purchase it themselves. Wii also sounds like what you do when you go to the bathroom. Not sure if that is also a selling point. I guess it could be... in some weird way. What I just can't imagine is little kids talking about playing with their Wii. "Mommy, can I please go play with my Wii?" says little Timmy. Mom turns around with a cringe. "What did you just say Timmy? You want to play with your what?" Timmy responds happily "I want to play with my Wii! Please?" Mom stomps down her foot and grounds Timmy for a week for his bad language and sickly desires. Soon every little boy and girl will be playing with their own and other peoples Wii's. Peoples Wii's just sitting, naked, in the living room. A disturbing image indeed. Let's just hope it comes with tissues.

Napkins

I was at the doctors today with my girlfriend. I was sitting in the waiting room... waiting and then came the call. My phone rang. It's girlish little chime calling stares from the other people waiting. I dragged my phone out of my pocket and glanced at the number on the digital read out. Ah yes, my good friend Nature was calling. I dare not answer the call in the waiting room though. That would be messy. I got up and headed out the door of the waiting room, down the drab hall and found the bathroom. I entered. It was a single room with one toilet and a peculiar metal box on the wall. I of course knew what this was already, but this metal box was labeled in a funny way. Well, funny to me anyway. On the top, imprinted in the metal was the word "Napkins". Instantly I imagined sitting there next to the toilet, feasting on a quarter pounder with cheese, answering the call of nature, and disposing of my used napkins into the available box. Later I mentioned this to my girlfriend. Bad idea. She laughed at me and said something along the lines of "Only a male would think up something like that." Well, I am a male and I thought it up. So there.

World of Awesomer

And the clouds parted and a beam of light spilt forth. The earth trembled, the trees swayed, and the World of Awesomer was born!

Welcome to the first post. Here I will be posting my observations, rants, videogame reviews, art work, and whatever else I feel like. Amazed? You should be!